


Five, Finally Alive

by prettysicknasty



Series: five gets tortured with love [1]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Bad Poetry, Coming Out, Cute, Fluff, Humor, One Big Happy Family, Prank Wars, Rhyming, Self-Indulgent, Silly, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Vanya Hargreeves, and klaus is genderfluid but its not super relevant to anything, not relevant but i like her :), the therapist is linda from lucifer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:35:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28829010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettysicknasty/pseuds/prettysicknasty
Summary: With the apocalypse postponed until further notice, the Hargeeves work on being siblings again. The best bonding experience they can think up is a relentless prank war. Number Five is not salty about Allison's juvenile prank, he's NOT... but he has no choice but to indulge in his siblings stupidity.
Series: five gets tortured with love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2168394
Comments: 9
Kudos: 63





	1. Good Morning Number Five

None of them remember how it started. All they really know is that it quickly became a Thing™ and, like most Hargreeves things, it got competitive fast.

After the apocalypse that didn’t happen, they had to work on being a real family again. 

It was all thanks to Luther. Or, more accurately, it almost all went to shit because of Luther, but at least he got them all in the same place to talk. 

Once he put Vanya inside that horrible sound proof chamber in the basement, that summoned the rest of the family home with urgency. 

Luckily when Allison came down, still weak from almost dying, and when five appeared and threatened Luther with promises that only a time assassin could actually keep, he relented and Vanya was freed. It probably also helped that the whole ‘ _Dad sent me to the moon for nothing_ ’ wound was still fresh on his mind.

Regardless, Vanya was let out and the family gathered in the living room for a long, _long_ talk. 

Not everything was aired out. There were still some scars that ran too deep in their relationships, and secrets that were not ready to be shared yet, but enough was discussed. Enough to prevent the looming apocalypse, at least.

Vanya was pissed. At everyone. She wanted to kill Pogo, wanted to burn the house down and run away, wanted her siblings to feel the pain that she had been feeling for so long, but she was also just mad at herself. Her heart was filled with hatred and rage, but it was just as full of love and caring. 

The guilt from hurting Allison was enough to get her willing to talk things out like civilized adults, and Number Three herself had no ill feelings towards her. 

Luther still wanted to make all the rules, be in charge and in control, but when it came down to him against the only five people in his life that mattered to him, he was willing to compromise. He may be a little slow, but with the help of his siblings he got around to understanding that Vanya was _not_ inherently dangerous and talking through everything as a family was, although painful, a lot less painful than the destruction of all life on the planet.

Allison was healing. She didn’t hold grudges, that just wasn’t her style. The look on Vanya’s face when she had initially lost control was an image stuck on her mind, preventing her feeling anything but guilt about the entire situation.

The whole family felt guilty, in their own ways.

Klaus was also healing, along with Diego. Their healing however, was in the more emotional sense. They grieved together but not _together_ , in that they were both grieving over loved ones lost, but they were not doing it with each other.

Vulnerability was not a trait that came easy to the Hargreeves. So while they both nodded to each other in understanding and sympathy, they did not talk about it and they did not lean on each other to help the other get through it.

Five was going slightly insane. His emotionally stunted siblings had somehow managed to be the cause of, and the _prevention_ of; the apocalypse. 

The commission couldn’t do anything. The time had passed and the world had not ended, they could do nothing more. There was no one they could kill that would cause it to happen again, not now.

Perhaps immediately after Vanya was released, they could have done some damage, but Five had disrupted the main office enough to give them time to train her in the most basic aspects of her powers. Train her enough to not destroy the planet.

Well, training wasn’t exactly the right word. 

They talked, bonded, went through Reginald’s notes, grilled Pogo and Grace for _every_ piece of information that had been held from them, and called in a family therapist. 

Throughout all this, Vanya gained control over powers, but not mastery. Much like playing the violin, she learned to pluck before she learned the bow, only going to exercise miniscule amounts of power at a time, instead of going all out all at once. 

So while she was definitely not fighting crime anytime soon, she gathered enough control to learn the notes. Enough to calm herself down should any Commission agents try to goad her into exploding everything again. 

To keep it short, everything was wrapped up fairly nicely. 

The apocalypse was prevented, the Commission had given up (at least for now), and the siblings were healing in their own ways all together as a family.

Months and months after all of this, Allison’s voice had healed enough to talk with a light rasp. Luther had practiced relinquishing control and listening to his siblings, rather than talking _at_ them. Diego, while honoring her memory and never forgetting Eudora, moved on from her. Klaus -and Ben, Klaus had managed to find the courage to tell the family about him during one of their therapy sessions and, with _a lot_ of help from Dr. Martin, the family listened to what he said- had been working on controlling his powers alongside Vanya. 

He did not move on from Dave as fast. 

When your whole ability is to see the dead, death loses its inevitability and erases the fear that comes with it. Klaus had never really had to grieve anyone before, never learned how. 

Dave was dead and not showing up.

Grieving a loss is hard enough for a regular person, but it was even harder for a grown man who was experiencing it for the first time and with the only person he ever truly, deeply loved with his entire being. The others tried to help as much as they could, but this was a journey he had to take alone.

Five was meeting his family again for the first time, reintroducing himself and learning who these new versions of the siblings he remembered are. And trying to let go of the apocalypse. The event had been his entire life, and now it was gone. He had a lot to think through.

And Vanya…

Well, she was doing as well as you’d expect.

So while things were far from perfect, and actually still pretty far from good, at least it wasn’t _the end_. They were all broken, but there was no choice but to keep moving forward. 

Everyone stayed at the mansion, hoping to create new memories that would overshine the darker ones they shared there. Also, a family therapist visited them once a week for an hour session. 

She honestly deserved a fucking crown for putting up with them. Superpowers and time travel aren’t exactly covered in a Psychology class, but she was an absolute angel that the siblings couldn’t help but love. It had been very rough at first, but Linda was good at her job and the results were indisputable. If nothing else, the Hargreeves could at least relent that things had improved since speaking to her, so as long as the data supported her addition to their lives, they could not disagree with it.

Things were… Tough. Not bad, not good. Just _tough_. 

Which is probably around when the pranks started.

It began with little things, plastic wrap over the toilet seat, whoopie cushions on the couch, but like everything with the Hargreeves it quickly became an all out prank war.

They had been raised in competition, of course this little bit of fun would become one too. 

It was the perfect sibling bonding activity for them. Just enough rivalry to be familiar, but also casual enough that it didn’t start any _actual_ fighting.

The family had its hierarchy, with Luther and Vanya unsurprisingly low on the scale. They were… Not good at it.

The pranks One and Seven did were the kind you saw on TV as a kid. Unoriginal, but classic. The only reason they really participated at all was because, well, it was _fun_ . And a competition, so of course they couldn’t just _not_ compete. 

To everyone’s surprise, the best pranksters and the ones that were currently at the top of the leaderboard (not that anyone was keeping score) were Allison and Five. 

For Allison, perhaps it was her experiences with Claire that got her so enthralled with the idea of a prank war. It was childish, and so it reminded her of the daughter she continues fighting the courts every day to see.

As for Five, he never really _grew_ up.

To be fair, none of the Hargreeves were known for their emotional maturity, but they at least had the experience of moving out of the house and trying to make it in the real world. Five had exactly _zero_ experience in the real world. 

He went from isolated child soldier, to even more isolated last man on earth, to a completely batshit crazy time traveling agency that turned him into a brutal serial killer. So no, he’d never quite had the chance to grow up in regular society. 

He may have years on the rest of his siblings, but those years were spent completely and utterly alone in every sense of the word. All at the same time, he was a fifty-eight year old man and a thirteen year old. Not even just metaphorically. He was literally fifty-eight years old, but also indisputably thirteen years old.

So, a childish and harmless competition such as a prank war was _perfect_ for him. Something other than the apocalypse to put himself into wholeheartedly. He was having a blast, though he’d never in a million years admit it to the rest of his family. 

Klaus and Diego, while definitely the most enthusiastic, were not on the same level as Allison and Five. Although they were the most excited, pulling as many pranks as they could, they were not as… calculating as the other two. They could be smart… in their own ways… sometimes… just not in this.

_Anyways-_

All of this led them to where they are now, the unspoken leaderboard tied between Numbers Three and Five. 

Luckily and unluckily for everyone, powers were _not_ off limits. Unfortunately, some powers were better for pranks than others, which is another reason Allison was doing so well. 

Sure, maybe she should be more cautious of using her powers so casually, but maybe the practice will slowly chip away at the power trip she usually gets when using them.

Like everyone else in the family, she was practicing the basics again too. It helped, using powers for small things, things that didn’t hurt anyone. 

So while she carefully avoided using her power to prank Vanya, not wanting to trigger her, she _delighted_ in using it on her other brothers. 

Silly pranks were for the best after all, rumors that made everyone in the family laugh but also weren’t making fun of or bullying the victim of the prank. 

And she just thought of the _best_ prank to pull on her grumpiest sibling. 

Tied for first, pranking Five was only natural, and given how serious he is, this prank might get him to loosen up a bit.

The timing though, was everything. 

Five was smart and constantly alert. She couldn’t rumor him while he was awake, knowing he’d teleport before she could even say “ _I heard~_ ” but rumoring him asleep was also difficult due to him being an incredibly light sleeper, and that's only when he actually _does_ sleep.

However, the insufferable little psychopath had a vice-

The family didn’t bother trying to get him to stop drinking. None of them could tell the old man what to do, not even with Vanya asking nicely. 

Allison needed only to play the waiting game.

Maybe waiting for her thirteen year old brother to get so drunk he passes out just so she can rumor him is somewhat immoral… _or_ maybe it’s just pure genius.

Either way, too late to back out now.

“I heard a _rumor~”_ Allison began, a stupid shiteating grin on her face, “You could only speak in rhymes.” 

-

Five woke up gradually, as he usually does when hungover. 

His mouth felt dry and his head foggy. He didn’t think he’d had _that_ much to drink last night. Just a few shots with Klaus as a celebration for him being half a year sober. 

Yes, he saw the irony in that, but Number Four was sober from the harder stuff. _Alcohol didn’t count if it was drunk with family_ , is what he’d argued. 

That was his first mistake; thinking he could do ‘just a few’ shots with _Klaus_ of all people. 

His second mistake was, because he can’t resist a challenge, agreeing to Klaus’s stupid suggestion of a playing a drinking game.

He should’ve known better than to try to win as a prepubescent boy going up against an alcoholic who spent the entirety of his twenties in crack houses and clubs. 

No matter, nothing coffee couldn’t fix. 

The boy assassin slipped off of his perch on the living room couch, shoving off a blanket that someone must’ve put on him while he slept. 

The thought was both tender and nauseating. Being touched that his family cared about him so much, but also being horrified at the prospect of someone coming up to him without him noticing. 

With heavy footsteps, Five made his way into the kitchen. It must’ve been around noon, because Allison, Klaus, and Diego were there eating lunch. His sister smiled evilly when she noticed him enter the room. 

_Uh-oh._ That probably meant there was a prank set up somewhere in this godforsaken kitchen. 

Five made sure to be extra careful as he brewed his coffee, keeping an eye out for snakes in cans and other corny shit like that.

As much as he’d like to believe he’s above the childish nonsense that has taken hold of his family the past few weeks, he cannot say that he is. 

It was fun. It reminded him of the time before he left the academy. Back when they were all just kids trying to maintain any semblance of a family.

A pang shoots through his skull, reminding him of his current hangover. Klaus, the _bastard_ , looked completely the same as he always did, showing no signs of the hangover he _should_ be having. The seance sent him a knowing smirk.

“Need some Tylenol Fivey? I guess your tolerance just isn’t what it used to be, old man.” He teased, but thankfully still tossed Five the painkillers. Five glared as he swallowed two pills with his coffee. 

“My tolerance is fine. We just won’t do shots next time.” The boy spat back.

Diego turned to Klaus, “You did shots without me?” 

“We were gonna invite you! Maybe next time wait a bit before you go out _vigilante-ing_ all over-” 

The two bickered, but Five was focused on Allison who had a befuddled look upon her face. She mumbled to herself, what Five thinks was “ _I guess a forced rhyme is still a rhyme_.”

Five narrowed his eyes at her, too tired to look into whatever she was talking about. He took another sip of his coffee.

“So what’s the plan for today? I know Luther’s slipping away, and you know what they say: when the cat's away, the mice shall play,” He blinked, before shaking his head and leaning against the kitchen counter. A little bit more than what he was going to say but that’s fine. 

Klaus giggled like a little girl though, “You sound like a children’s book,” the lanky man snorted as he got up from the kitchen table, taking his dishes to the sink.

Diego just raised an eyebrow.

“Well, Vanya’s at work right now. I guess you already heard Luther’s headed out of town,” He counted off his fingers as he went, “Allison and Klaus are gonna do… something, and I’m going out to meet with a contact in the police force.”

It was Five’s turn to raise an eyebrow at that. By ‘contact in the police’ Diego actually just means he’s catching up with an old friend. The family was slowly letting down their collective barriers, but _some_ of them _(cough cough, Diego)_ were still having trouble with addressing relationships to other people.

“So then Klaus and you, what are you two gonna do?” His eye twitched as he addressed Allison. 

After Klaus’s comment, he was made uncomfortably aware of his sentence structure. Apparently knowing that something was up did nothing to change it.

Despite asking Allison, Klaus chimed in to answer.

“Well we were _going_ to have a girl’s day but Vanya decided not to come. Which means we have an open _spoooot_ ,” He sing-songed the last words moving his arm around to lean his elbow on Five’s head. The younger (older?) pushed him off in annoyance. 

“Why didn’t Vanya want to go? I doubt she’d just say ‘no,’” and he did doubt it. 

Their seventh sibling has taken to saying ‘yes’ any time anyone invited her to anything. Suppose a lifetime of being ignored makes people desperate. It only became a problem when she started to say yes to things she clearly didn’t actually want to do. 

They were still working on honesty with the family therapist. Big shocker, siblings raised following strict orders found it hard to say ‘no’ to things. 

He could practically hear Reginald’s voice in his head: ‘Don’t let something as silly as _personal feelings_ or _boundaries_ get in the way of working as a team! You will do as you are told!’

He’s glad the bastard’s dead.

“That’s for Vanya to tell you,” Klaus said cryptically, ignoring the others when they looked towards him in questioning, “Either way, they’re not coming! So that means you get the chance to bond with your favorite movie star sister and fourth favorite brother.” 

Five noticed the way Klaus used ‘they’ pronouns when referring to Vanya, but didn’t comment on it. Maybe it really was for _them_ to say. 

“I’d rather drink a bucket of lava than smell like your shampoo guava.” 

His reply felt unnatural, and he finally realized why he sounded so odd. He kept rhyming what he said for some reason. Just to be sure, he said another thing with a specific not-rhyming phrase in mind.

“Although, I guess that’s better than orange-” Before he could continue, his voice stopped. It just stopped coming out. He frowned and tried again. 

Well then there was his proof. Nothing rhymed with orange.

But _why_ the _hell_ would he be speaking in just rhymes? That made no sense? It was stupid and childish but when he spoke, it was like he was _compelled_ to-

 _Oh_.

His face contorted with annoyance as he whirled on Allison.

“Sneaky _bitch_. _You_ did this, you insufferable witch!”

The other two brothers gaped at him in shock but he ignored them as he glared at his manipulative, evil, _conniving_ sister. All she did was bite her lip in an attempt to muffle the laughter that was bound to break out at any second.

“ _Whoa,_ whoa,” Diego stepped in between the two, “Those are some strong words Five, what did she-”

“Sonofabitch rumored me! _Fuck_ you, Number Three. You’ll fix this if you know what's good for thee.”

Rather than joining in with Five’s side of the argument, both Diego and Klaus’s faces lit up like Christmas trees as they finally realized what was going on. Klaus let out a loud _‘HA’_ and went over to high five Allison, who was no longer holding back her laughter. They cackled together wickedly, whereas Diego just let his lips quirk up a bit.

“Stop laughing you shitheads! Or else I'll make you wish you were dead.”

To his horror, his cheeks were beginning to heat up in embarrassment as he blushed. Of all the dumb pranks she could pull, it had to be this? It wasn’t even particularly clever or funny! Although, now that he’s thinking about it, maybe that’s exactly what made it so funny to them. 

“Relax bro, it’s just a prank.” Diego drawled, knowing exactly how annoyed Number Five was with this.

“Yeah it’s no big deal, you little shitheel. HA! I can do it too, see!” Klaus sent himself into another wave of laughter, occasionally reciting words that rhyme with ‘see,’ while Allison finally composed herself enough to speak.

“I’m in the lead now Five,” She grinned like the cheshire cat, which only made Five want to smack her even more, “But I’m willing to negotiate.”

He gritted his teeth, “What do you want? To jaunt? To flaunt?” 

“I’ll retract the rumor at the end of the day, _if_ you come _jaunt_ with me and Klaus.”

“Rot in hell.” He snapped his mouth shut before he could continue speaking.

“He sounds like a little leprechaun,” Klaus giggled, leaning into Five’s face, “Oh Fivey, you have no idea how adorable this is.”

Diego had to hold Five back as he jerked towards Klaus with a hiss. The seance just hissed right back.

“Make him stop and we can shop.” He reluctantly rhymed, “But once this day is done, you will speak of this to _no one_.” The boy made sure to promise a threat in the look he then gave his siblings. It was a glare that worked wonders on most people with a sense of self preservation. To Five’s agitation, his siblings were unnerved.

Allison clapped her hands once as she stood up and Klaus squealed as he came around, corralling Five forward to start their day.

“Oh buddy, we are gonna do _a lot_ more than just shop. This is gonna be the best girls day ever.”

Five did everything he could not to look back at Diego for help. It would just be one day. Surely it wouldn’t be _that_ bad. He could do this.

As they neared the front door he felt sweat begin to bead on his forehead. 

He’d just not talk and it would be fine. And sure he was going with them for a girl’s day, but he didn’t have to participate, he could just stand by and watch or something.

Besides, they were right. It’s just a silly, stupid prank, emphasis on the _stupid_. No big deal.

Right?

-

Turns out, his two idiot siblings really did have an _entire_ day planned out. Allison even had a schedule written out on her phone with intermittent alarms to keep them on track.

It began with going to the mall to shop. They needed to get the materials for their ‘girls day’ but of course they couldn’t just go, they had to _get ready_ to go as well. Five was already exhausted. They hadn’t even left the house yet. 

“What do you think kiddo, blue or green?” Klaus held two different shirts over his chest as he posed in front of Five. 

Allison was enough of an adult to get ready to go out on her own, but apparently Klaus needed supervision. 

“The green looks like slime, the blue is just fine. Stop asking me for advice or I won’t be so nice.” Five gave the man his signature angry smile, a perfect mix of sardonic and pissed. 

All Klaus did was sigh delightedly and put on the blue shirt. 

“You know, I think this will be fun. When’s the last time you had a self care day like this? Wait, did you even have self care days in the apocalypse? What would you even do for that, like, take a bath in running water or something?” Klaus rambled as he moved around the room to put on the rest of his outfit.

“The apocalypse sucked,” Five paused. Even rhyming about it like a preschool teacher didn’t make his past any more bearable, “But I didn’t self-destruct. I did what I could to survive, but I didn’t exactly thrive. I was mostly grateful to be alive.”

“Jesus, Five.” Klaus frowned sympathetically, but also obviously just remarked so that he could add on to the rhyme.

Five rolled his eyes and got to his feet, moving towards the door.

“Are you done? You talk a ton and we should run. Let’s get this over with and collect our sister, that wicked wordsmith.” God, every sentence out of his mouth made him want to shoot himself in the skull. 

It wasn’t even like it was good or poetic or anything. Anything that rhymed worked, it didn’t have to sound good. He’d wished Allison had at least rumored him into rhyming with grace instead of this sloppy work.

He decided to go back to his original plan of just not speaking.

Once they confirmed Allison was ready, the three of them got into her car and drove to one of the numerous malls in the city. He didn’t talk to either of them throughout the ride, stewing in his own anger alone in the backseat. 

Luckily, it seemed that even with the months that their family had been trying to get close to each other again, Klaus and Allison still had a lot of catching up to do. Although not actively part of the conversation, Five listened in. 

Much like his other siblings, Five was not super keen on talking about his emotions, or his past, or really about anything pertaining to himself. As much as he wanted to get to know his aged up siblings, he also didn’t want to have to talk about himself in return for them opening up.

Listening in like this, Five could get information on how his family was doing without actually having to give anything up.

Even though the two didn’t exactly discuss deep subjects on this half hour car ride, it was still nice to hear the little things that they talked about. 

For example, Allison just finished telling a story about an audition she wanted to go to, to get back into her career and general life outside of the Umbrella Academy. She was excited because it was a role for a small indie film which she hadn’t done before, and she would not be using her powers to secure the role this time. She wanted to test her merit as an actual actress, not just a fraud.

It was nice to hear about how much his family continues to grow. Even after everything was over, it wasn’t _really_ over. It would never be over. They would just keep becoming better versions of themselves continuously until, well, Five doesn’t know what then. Klaus might know. Afterlife and all that. 

Despite the long drive, they arrived at the mall entirely too early, in his opinion. Everyone got out of the car and strutted into the mall like they owned the place. Well, Allison and Klaus did. Five walked in awkwardly behind them.

“So! We’re inbound to browse around for wares abound,” Deep breaths. Do not give in to the temptation to murder everything in the immediate vicinity, “To where shall we bound? Respond before I make another sound.” He gives them the most menacing squint he can muster at the moment.

Klaus twirls back around and goes to grab his hand but Five dodges and jabs his brother in the ribs before he can make contact. The taller man crumples in on himself with a yelp of pain but retains his grin, seemingly unbothered by the reaction. 

“Well _mein bruder,_ I’m glad you asked-”

“I’m not.”

“Hush, I wasn’t finished,” Five has to physically hold himself back from smacking Klaus upside the head. 

“What I was _saying-_ is that we are here to get supplies. And maybe a little bit of clothes shopping just for the hell of it, who knows?” He flips his hands in the air, giving an obnoxiously large shrug.

They continue on walking, his siblings herding him towards a store filled with suspiciously _sparkly_ decor. Maybe Five really is an old man but is this what kids these days think is fashionable? Sure, Delores appreciated sequins but at least the dresses she wore had class. This is just… gratuitous. 

He looks distastefully at a row of brightly colored jeans as they pass, apparently knowing exactly which section they want to look in. At least he wouldn’t have to buy anything. 

Thankfully the trio did not spend too much time in that store, with Klaus planning on stopping at every store in the mall at least once and needing the time to get to all of them, so Five’s eyes were only assaulted by the glittery rainbow of fabrics for a manageable amount of time. 

The next store they go to is more moderate, seemingly less of a store specifically catered towards young women. There was a section with clothes that would actually fit Five if he were looking for any. He’s perfectly content with the familiar Umbrella Academy uniform. It reminds him of the glory days. 

However, it appeared that Allison had other plans as she ushered the two towards the child’s clothing section. A scowl found its way to his face.

“Nope, nay, I say. Cease going this way. Your other games I shall play, but push this further and you’ll pay.” 

Despite his clear threat, all he looked like was a kid reading from a children's book. Allison was decidedly unimpressed.

“Yeah I’ll _pay_ for whatever you pick out. Girl’s day includes _all_ of us getting stuff Five. Plus, you desperately need a new closet.”

Klaus nods along, “Very true, brother dearest. You can’t seriously plan on only wearing that old uniform every day until you grow out of it,” He adds, incredulously.

Five flushes because that is exactly what his plan is.

It actually goes even further, with him deciding on asking Mom to tailor the schoolboy outfit to fit him as his new body continues to grow.

That is, _if_ his new body is going to grow. He’s still not quite sure how his consciousness ended up like this, but if his theories so far are correct then this new body may not be aging outwardly at all anytime soon. It requires more testing.

In the meantime, his siblings take his silence as consent and drag him further into the endless clothing racks.

Any hope of this day going by quickly flies out the window as he watches the pile of things for him to try on steadily grow. 

Allison at least, is picking things that coincide with his preferred style. Klaus, the demon, is picking clothing seemingly at random yet with such precision that Five has to wonder if he had what he wanted in mind before they even got to the store.

With entirely too many items of clothing, they push him into the dressing room with their finds and demand that he comes out to show off each outfit as he tries them on. For what feels like the hundredth time today, Five holds himself back from physically attacking his family. 

“Now give us a twirl, we have to see this look from all angles.” Klaus motions with his fingers as Five steps out of the room dressed in a sad excuse for a business casual ensemble. 

The ex-assassin glares at Klaus through the mirror and pointedly ignores the giddy spark in both of his siblings’ eyes. Sure seeing his family happy fills his heart with a raw feeling he thinks is love, but at what cost?

“Lucky I don’t twist your fingers off. I can’t resist the lingering thoughts.” Forced rhymes, those are somewhat more bearable than the Dr. Seuss poems he’s forced to say. 

Klaus’s only response is a slightly hysterical giggle, as if he can’t believe the gift that’s been handed to him. Five can’t quite believe it either, but vows after today to erase his memory of the next twenty four hours. 

Not risking more prose, Five silently turns back into the dressing room, closing the door hard enough to rattle the rest of the stalls. Wearily, he looks back towards the pile in front of him. Might as well get this over with.

-

To Five’s relief, after allowing them to buy him some of the things they picked out for him they don’t make him try on anything else in the other stores. A wise decision on their part. 

It only makes the rest of the trip slightly more bearable however, as he is still asked advice on the outfits _they_ try on. 

Allison steps out of the dressing room of another store, Klaus sauntering out of the stall right next to hers and they wink at each other. Five sits, unimpressed as they strut up and down the short hallway, giving him quite the show. They’re wearing identical jumpsuits and matching heels. 

It is incredibly endearing, but Five would never admit that. 

“Truly stunning,” The boy drawls, “Were you more cunning, you’d have the fans running.”

“ _Psshh_ , you’re just saying that~” Klaus waves off, clearly accepting his words at face value and ignoring the obvious sarcasm laced within them.

“Alright you caught me, you look like clowns, at least three, shitting on a tree that is filled with bees.” If anything, at least his insults are getting even more creative. And nonsensical. 

Klaus pouts but Allison simply flips her hair and raises an eyebrow.

“Bold words from a fifty year old man in schoolboy shorts.”

Five stands up with a glare at the ready.

“You little-”

But the Hollywood actress doesn’t listen to the rest of his threat, spinning around and closing her dressing room door behind her. Klaus just sends him an air kiss and follows in her footsteps.

Five does _not_ let out a growl as they ignore him. And he definitely does _not_ pretend to catch Klaus’ air kiss and rip it into tiny pieces even though the other isn’t even watching him.

That would be childish.

The deadly former time traveling assassin would _never_ do that.

After an indeterminate amount of time which felt like days to Five, they finally, _finally_ finished with the clothes shopping and moved on to a different type of store.

His first thought upon walking into the next store is, _dear lord this place stinks_. Apparently it’s a ‘good stink’ but Five holds a hand over his nose all the same.

It’s filled to the brim with soaps, perfumes, and other scented body care products. Five only hopes they don’t plan on taking a bath together as if they’re toddlers again. 

Luckily they don’t force him to get things for himself here either, instead simply holding items in front of him and using his facial expressions to decide whether to put them back or not.

Unfortunately Five didn’t really have to practice hiding his expressions in the apocalypse, so he was _very_ receptive to their strategy. Working for the commission could only help so much with his acting. 

Together, the two evil, _terrible_ , sneaky, _demons_ collect a basket of face masks, scented shampoos and soaps, lotions, and a few other things that Five will most definitely protest using. 

They don’t spend too long there, thank _god_ , and once that store is over with they at long last leave the mall, arms filled with bags of varying sizes.

Only when they’re in the car driving back does he realize that the day has only just barely started. Instead of towards home, Allison drives them directly to a grocery store.

 _Snacks for later tonight_ , they explain.

Five has a… _complicated_ relationship with food. Since coming back and stopping the apocalypse, he’s gotten slightly better with it, but he still does not eat nearly as much as he should. 

To be quite honest, he just forgets. The ache of hunger pains is so familiar that he barely notices it anymore, only really going to eat meals when someone reminds him or when he feels particularly dizzy and drained.

Food is fuel and that’s all. 

To his siblings, this is unacceptable.

“What do you want Five? We’re absolutely getting cookies and chips, but is there anything specific you want?” Allison asks kindly, and it’s so sincere that he _almost_ forgets to be pissed off at her.

“Yeah what are you _craving_ right now?” Klaus tacks on, his words less caring and more… enticing. As if he’s the devil offering a wicked deal, instead of just asking his brother what he wants to eat.

Five hums in thought as they slowly walk through the aisles. He doesn’t really care for taste anymore, way too used to bugs and expired canned foods. After eating that crap for more than half his life, he kind of lost his pickiness when it came to food.

It’s all in the mind. If he pretends that this beetle tastes like a chicken nugget, then it does.

~~It doesn't.~~

Really, the only thing he cares about is what the food can provide him with.

Which is why he loves coffee so much. It has caffeine that gives him the energy he should be getting from regular meals. What other food could be useful to him?

“I like coffee,” Five decides on finally, expecting the usual exasperated responses. 

His family seemed to have a problem with his caffeine addiction. They know they can’t stop him from drinking it, but that doesn’t stop them from berating him for it every chance they get.

“Sure, any specific kind you want?”

Five does a double take when he sees both his siblings smiling patiently towards him. He did not expect it to be that easy.

Allison reads his expression easily, and Klaus explains, “Girls day is not about physical health Fivey, it’s about mental health. Self care day! Treat yourself, get anything you want!”

Five raises an incredulous eyebrow.

“If that were true, wouldn’t we be popping pills with you?”

Klaus lets out a dramatic sigh, “Obviously there are limitations you little shit. _Shut up Ben._ ” He hisses to the side, causing the other two siblings to blink.

It still takes some getting used to, acknowledging that their dead brother really is always with them. Or at least, always with Klaus. 

“Then.. Just coffee. And marshmallows and… toffee? And Oreos.” Five wracks his brain for the things he’d always wanted to try but never got the chance to, “Strawberries and whipped cream. Oh! Fresh cherries and ice cream.”

Now that he started, he finds it hard to stop. Regardless of his opinion on flavors, he is an extremely curious person. There are a lot of things that he never got the chance to even try. 

His siblings look surprised for a second, making Five feel slightly embarrassed. He's about to take it all back and just go with the coffee, but then they each grin so bright that he feels the need to squint under their radiance. 

“Yeah! Come on, if you see something you want drop it in the cart.”

And then they go.

It’s effortless, the way they act like actual siblings together. Allison and Klaus bickering between tortillas and salsa or regular potato chips, before reaching an agreement when Five suggests they just get both. 

He begins hesitantly, adding small things to the cart and looking cautiously towards Allison for a reaction. But every time, she just smiles and nods, or simply raises her eyebrows and goes back to debating flavors with Klaus. 

By the end of their trip, the cart is full of a mix between complete junk food and fresh produce that Five hadn’t had the privilege of eating since he was actually thirteen years old. 

Feeling the most relaxed he has all day, Five helps as they load up the car, which is slowly losing room for anything else. He hopes they don’t have any more stops because he’s not sure if they can fit anything else in the trunk.

This day might not be so bad. Sure he hates that he’s spouting unintentional poetry every time he speaks, but he’s getting kind of excited to get back home and try all these new things. 

He doesn’t say anything, trying to hide his newfound eagerness as he thinks of the bath he’s probably gonna get to have when they get back.

“What’s next?” He asks in what he hopes is a bored tone.

Short sentences like that are the best too because there’s no room to rhyme.

Klaus chuckles evilly in the backseat, winking at the empty seat next to him. Electing to ignore him, Five trains his gaze out the window, feigning indifference. 

Allison’s grin also has a sharp edge to it as she pulls out of the grocery store parking lot. The relaxation he just started feeling quickly goes away as he looks back to her, eyes not leaving her face as he waits for a response.

“Allison. Are we done?” He asks slowly and deliberately. 

Her grin only grows, and Klaus sticks his head up between the two front seats, “Not quite kiddo.”

Before Five can snap at him for calling him ‘kiddo,’ the other two lock eyes and, in unison, cheer;

_“Manicures!”_

Oh.

Oh hell no.

Five deadpans as he looks between them.

“Oooh I love this song!” Klaus screeches, interrupting any response Five could possibly have to the reveal. He reaches forward and cranks the volume until the car is vibrating with the bass in the song.

Unable to emote, Five turns his head back so he’s looking out the window, still stone faced. 

Shit.

This day is _far_ from over.


	2. Goodnight Number Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GIrl's day comes to an end as Five is pampered.

Five really wanted to find the positives in this situation. He really did. 

His entire life has been nothing but despair and suffering, with only the vague hope that he could be a hero and save his family to keep him going. 

In order to survive, he had to stay positive. If he had given in to the pain, he would never have made it to where he is now.

Maybe he’s being a bit dramatic about this whole thing.

It’s just a couple hours of pampering. Five has survived an apocalypse, time travel, being an assassin, and being the oldest and therefore in charge of his family. 

He could handle this. 

But then they sat down in the salon chairs to get their pedicures (they really were getting the whole spa treatment), and one of the ladies working reached out to grab his foot and he kicked her in the face. 

After a lot of yelling and apologies, with Klaus and Allison grilling him for his extreme reaction, they settled Five back down into the chair and warned him that if he attacked another worker he would be put in time-out.

When Klaus teased him with that, he got a couple of good kicks in on _him_ as well. 

But after _again_ apologizing to the salon staff, they switched out his previous worker to a woman with a little more girth to her. Whereas the other lady seemed like a typical salon worker, this one was clearly a weathered old maid. 

She had a mole above her lip and a permanent snarl on her face but she grabbed his feet with an ironclad grip very unlike the soft and gentle touch of the other woman. She only spoke Russian, had a very thick accent, and despite all the stereotypical characteristics, was kinda beautiful. 

Five decided, as she roughly scrubbed his skin, that she was to be respected. 

It went a little easier after that, but Five demanded that the woman -who, according to the other staff, was named Katarina- be the only employee allowed to touch him for the rest of their visit. 

Allison and Klaus got their toenails done as well but Five vehemently opposed painting any kind of color onto his nails. The more excited siblings both got purple of different shades.

Stepping away from the chairs, they were given special flip flops to walk around in and even Five had to admit that his feet had never felt so soft. After those though, they moved over to get manicures as well and Allison would not let him get away with a clear coat of polish there. 

There was no way in _hell_ that Five was going to pick out a color or a special design, so he simply turned to Katarina and said, “Surprise me.”

She may or may not have understood what he said, only being able to speak Russian and all, but Five had a feeling that even if he asked for a specific look, she would've done her own thing anyway.

It ended up with Allison getting an orange color decorated with white crowns, “Since I’m winning the prank war right now,” She explained smuggly.

Klaus got an electric blue decorated with orange swirls that hurt his eyes to look at. Apparently, after Allison complained that the colors gave her a headache, that was precisely why he chose them.

Finally Five, who had to snarl at several of the other ladies in the salon that cooed at the little boy getting his nails done, ended up with a lovely blue-gray that matched his eyes. There were no extra designs thankfully, at least Katarina had a sense of taste. 

They left soon after, with Five thankfully not having to talk at all. Even if he wanted to start a conversation with everyone the way Klaus had with every single worker there, Five didn’t want to test how the rhyming rumor would work in other languages by chatting with Katarina.

Five let out a hefty breath once he flopped back down into the passenger seat of the car. 

“Can we plow on home now? How much more must I endure?”

“So dramatic, you big baby. We’ve barely gotten started!” Klaus teased as Allison drove them thankfully, mercifully, in the direction of the academy. 

Allison, smacking Klaus to lean back into the backseat, assured Five, “When we get back you can have a little time to yourself. We’ll each take a bath and then meet back up again in an hour for makeovers.”

“Makeovers?” Five groaned.

“Don’t you worry Five, I have the perfect look planned for you. I promise it won’t be to drag queen levels. Cross my heart and hope to die. Actually, maybe I _do_ kinda hope to die.  _ Ow!  _ Hey-” Klaus swatted to the seat next to him, smacking away invisible hands.

Five was grateful that even beyond the grave, Ben could still smack their brother for being a little shit.

“I am no less worried but I can kill you where Ben is buried if you’re in such a hurry.” 

“Hey,” Allison put on her mom voice, “No threats of murder in my car.”

The taller brother saluted, “Yes ma’am.” 

Within even less time than it took to drive out in the first place, they arrived back at the academy, and in honor of not messing up their freshly done nails, asked Five to just teleport their bags inside.

A rude, ancillary use of his powers but he accepted. He'd rather do that than carry them in anyway. 

Once all the groceries were away, Klaus grabbed the bags with his clothes and disappeared upstairs, presumably to claim his favorite bathroom in the house. Allison just sighed and handed Five his one small bag, shoving some of the bath stuff they bought into it as well.

“At least this part of girl’s day you can’t possibly have a problem with. You can even take Dad’s bathroom and steal one of his old man robes!” Her eyes gain a spark of mischief as she sang, “He has one of those big jacuzzi bathtubs~”

Five said nothing but turned to head up that way anyway. He might as well get _something_ good out of this day.

“Meet us back in my room in an hour!” Allison shouted after him as he blinked away.

Maybe good old Reginald had some less fruity smelling shampoos in his room as well that Five could pilfer. Even those dumb scents like ‘new car’ would be better than the ' _sparkly citrus'_ one they picked out for him.

As he finally blinked into the bathroom attached to the master bedroom, Five locked the door and allowed himself a chance to breathe. 

What a day.

Tired eyes glanced over to a clock on the wall and he saw it was actually only half way through the day. With no one there to witness his actions, he let out a childish whine. 

It hadn’t been too bad. It was still embarrassing and he still wanted it to be over as soon as possible, but he was getting more relaxed with the idea of ‘girls day’ as the day went on. 

Five started up the bath, turning the dial to make sure the water was imitating a hot tub with its heat. He glanced over to the bag he brought with him and thought about the stuff inside.

There wasn’t any harm in using _some_ of the stuff right? If no one was there to see, surely no one would ever have to know if he had a bubble bath or not… 

Decision made, and probably influenced by his exhaustion, he pulled out what Allison had gotten for him.

It looked like they left him with little things, some bubble bath starter, which he immediately squeezed into the tub as it began to fill up, a blue bath bomb, which he tossed in alongside the bubbles, some homemade soap, a loofah, and some scented shampoo and conditioner. 

He grabbed the soap but left behind loofah, shampoo, and conditioner. There was some of Reginald’s products still standing next to the tub, he’d just use those. 

As weird as it was to use a dead guy’s shampoo, it was better than smelling like a lemon. 

He just hoped that the familiar smell of their dad wouldn’t freak out his siblings. At least he didn't also have that weird old people smell to accompany it. 

With all that set up, he got undressed and turned off the water, easing himself into the water with a contented sigh. 

_This_.

Now _this_ was heavenly.

Letting the warm water envelop him, he felt aches that he hadn't even realized he had, fade away. The bubbles tickled his chin as he sunk further into the bath, until just his eyes were above the water. 

It was quiet, him only hearing the sound of the water sloshing along the sides of the huge tub. 

Bathing in general was such an amazing experience for Five. A running shower? Hot water? Clean water? He could die happy here.

The light blue bath bomb colored the water to an almost tropical looking azure, making it look even cleaner than regular running water. 

And the _bubbles!_

Five giggled like a child as he lifted a bunch of bubbles and dropped them on top of his head. He couldn't recall a single moment in his entire life where he’d had a bubble bath. This was his very first one.

He finally got what all of the hype was about, it was magical. 

The laziest he’s been all day, he slowly dragged the homemade soap over his body. It was a nice scent too, herbal but not too overpowering. He would honestly be content to just stay here for the rest of the day.

_But_ , he thought ruefully as he looked up at the clock on the wall, he only had an hour. 

He quickly cleaned himself up, washed his hair, and then spent the rest of the hour just soaking in the warmth that was hugging him.

He almost let out another petulant whine as the clock hand drew nearer to the next hour, but the bath had relaxed him into acting a little more like himself, so he refrained. 

Reginald really did have a bathrobe hung up in the bathroom closet, but unfortunately it was far too big for Five’s current adolescent body. So with a deep sigh, he dried himself off and looked in the bag of clothes that Allison had bought for him.

Well, self care was the theme of the day, wasn’t it? So comfort over fashion it is.

Instead of the formal clothes, he took out a classic pajama set that reminded him of his academy uniform, if only because it was a matching set that looked altogether stately.

He teleported himself and his stuff back to his room to drop it all off before blinking again, landing in front of Allison’s door. He gave her the courtesy of knocking once before just opening the door and walking in. 

Ally shrieked, “ _ Ah! _ Five! Wait for a response before you just open someone's door!”

Luckily she had a robe on, and was just caught off guard as she was lotioning her legs. Five didn’t really care either way.

“You said an hour. How was I supposed to know you’d be sour? I wouldn’t even be here if not for your stupid power.” 

_“Touche”_ She narrowed her eyes at him, finally settling herself as she put her hair up in a towel and ushered him in. 

“So what’s next on the agenda? I guess we’re far from the end, huh.”

“Why Number Five, we still have all night,” The younger (older?) sibling replied. 

With a flourish, she grabbed a few more items out of the bags she had from the mall. 

Facemasks. Of course. 

She grinned at the defeated expression he most definitely made as she pulled them out. Klaus sauntered into the room at just the right time, snatching the one of his choice out of Number Three’s hands. 

His hair was also in a towel, but his bathrobe was a lot… _fluffier_ than Allison’s. It looked like it belonged to a Barbie doll from the 80s. 

“And now is when the real fun begins.” Klaus intoned, eyes lighting up but facial expression oddly serious.

“Five, prepare yourself,” His sister draws his attention, “Once you’ve felt how soft your skin is after one of these babies,” she gestured to the facemasks, “You will never go back.”

The boy gives both of his siblings an incredulous expression. They’re resolute faces do not change.

“I highly doubt it deserves all this clout. Alas, I have no other route than to myself, find out.”

The two best actors in the family's expressions didn't crack for even a second, and Allison wordlessly handed him one of the masks. 

-

Six minutes later and Five couldn't move the muscles in his face.

“I hate this. This isn’t bliss. Admit it, this was a miss.” He thought by now he’d be used to spouting poetry with every word he says but it still perplexes him when he does it.

“You just wait ‘til they come off Fivey. You will eat your words!” Klaus, equally unable to emote points accusingly at him.

Then, because the universe hates him, Five’s stomach gives an audible grumble as his brother says the word ‘ _eat_.’ 

His siblings share a look, which Five is almost jealous of because how can they express so much without moving a muscle? Five can’t even glare at them without cracking the mask.

“Sounds like _somebody_ is a little hungry~” Klaus teases, “I guess we’ll have to break out the snacks earlier than planned.”

Five can’t even resist, there was no way he was gonna pull off pretending his stomach didn’t make a sound. Especially since it gurgled again after Klaus finished speaking. 

Oh right, this body wasn't used to starvation yet. 

He inwardly mourned his inability to grimace, his face annoyingly still as he quietly got up to follow the other two back down to the kitchen.

The house lacked the usual noise, so Five assumed the rest of his family was out and about.

Good.

No one would have to see him like this, besides these two idiots.

Ignoring them as soon as they all enter the kitchen, Fives made a beeline for the coffee maker and grabbed the bag they bought earlier. 

“Classic Five. Would you like any coffee to go with that coffee?” 

Despite allowing him to get the coffee in the first place, Allison couldn't help but tease his addiction. Honestly, you’d think this family would be more sensitive towards addiction issues, given their past relationships with it. 

“At least have a slice of cake too,” She negotiated, gesturing to the chocolate cake that Number Four had picked out at the store.

Cake was hardly considered healthy sustenance but if it would appease his siblings for now, he would relent.

“Fine, but only this time. I’ll eat more further down the line, when you’ve finally renounced your rhyme.” Five allowed his older brother to slice him a piece of the cake after taking one for himself.

Out of all their snacks, it was probably the only one that would go with his coffee anyway. 

The three of them take their snacks and move into the living room, each taking a couch or chair to themselves to stretch out on. Klaus moved over to the old turntables and put on a mellow track, leaving them to eat their snacks and relax to the music.

“This is what it’s all about. No talking, no thinking, just vibes.” The lanky man breathed out as he spread the entirety of his body along one of the bigger couches.

“Did you forget the ‘no talking’ bit?”

Klaus sputtered out a response but Five had already stopped listening, taking a second to actually enjoy the moment.

It was kinda nice. 

Fives drifting off, almost about to fall asleep to the quiet music when Allison’s alarm goes off and jerks him awake.

“Time to take them off, are you ready Five?” 

Instead of dignifying his sister with a response, Five just got up and started going back upstairs. Klaus scrambled off the couch after him while Allison followed behind.

Once all in the bathroom together and looking into the mirror, they each started peeling off their masks.

It stuck to his skin in a way that Five wasn’t used to, making him very uncomfortable as it pulled at his baby fat. He stretched out his face as he began to peel it off, getting it looser and easier to remove.

The three siblings then stood in front of the mirror with fresh faces. The oldest (youngest?) of them slowly brought a hand up to his cheek and felt around his skin.

Wow.

The last time Five had skin this soft was when he was a newborn baby.

The entire day had been spent grinding away at Five’s walls. Smoothing over his rough edges and leaving him soft. It was a surprise to him that being soft… wasn’t really all that bad. 

Obviously he wouldn’t suddenly turn into a five year old girl, he was still going to be the grumpy old man that he was. 

Perhaps though, he could allow himself some pleasantries every once in a while.

Nothing needed to be said, and he certainly wasn’t going to admit that his face felt amazing to the other two, who were looking very smug at his reaction.

He narrowed his eyes at them.

“Whatever.” Turning away from them, Five headed back to Number Three’s room and plopped down onto her bed. Her bedroom had the most pillows out of anyones, and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to take advantage.

The time for makeovers began.

-

Five refused to put on any makeup.

“Stay away from my face you fucking basketcase!” He shouted at Klaus, knocking his hands away when he came at him with a brush.

Klaus pouted, “But that's no fun.”

“I’ll do you but for me, I refuse. If you try again, I’ll leave a bruise.” Five hissed.

Allison got between them before any hits could be thrown. Luckily she allowed him this one condition.

“Makeup wouldn’t be good for his skin anyway, he’s still a child- sorry, his _body_ is still a child's.”

Thankful for the intervention, Five decided to let that little slip up pass. Although his narrowed eyes warned her not to let it happen again.

“So then how do we wanna do this? You do me, I do you, Five serenades us with song?”

“No, let’s make this needlessly complicated,” Allison clapped her hands together, “Klaus, you do my eyes and I’ll do your lips. Five, do Klaus’ eyes and my lips.”

The two brothers looked to each other with scrunched up faces for a second before the taller one shrugged, “Sure, I’m okay with that.”

“Fine.”

And so they got to work.

They chose to do Allison’s face first, Klaus expertly painting the upper half of his sister’s face while Five looked warily at the makeup tools as he prepared to tackle the lower half of her face. 

Apparently there were no rules when it came to makeovers, so they could do whatever designs they wanted and Allison will only know when they do a big reveal at the very end. It could go as far as clown makeup or it could be something actually good.

For girl’s day, they usually opted towards stuff that actually looked good.

Five had no intention of doing anything of the sort, however.

“Done, and might I just say I’ve really outdone myself this time. Five it’s your turn!” Klaus backed away from his sister’s face to reveal her beautifully decorated eyes. 

Due to years of drug use and even more years of trauma, Klaus had a tremor in his hands that would never go away. So he couldn’t make the cleanest of lines when it came to eyeliner, but he made up for it with blending.

Allison’s eyelids glittered as she blinked, light pinks and oranges like a sunset over the area above her eyes. He’d also done her eyebrows, making them sharper and more defined. As well as some white eyeshadow under her eyes and fake lashes glued on.

“OH! Wait! One more thing!” He did some more brush stuff (Five didn’t really know what the hell either of them were doing) on her cheeks and leaned back again, revealing a light blush on each cheekbone, surrounding a small heart of clear skin.

Five didn’t really care for any of it, although Klaus seemed proud of his work. 

For him, now was the time for revenge.

Luckily out of the myriad of strange brushes and powders, lipstick was pretty easy to pick out. He recognized it immediately and grabbed the black lipstick with a wicked grin. 

He wasn’t going to completely destroy her face, only adjust it to a more... _obscure_ style. As much as Five loved to threaten his siblings, if he made any of them cry he would cut off his own arm. 

He was, however, going to give her something _a little_ bolder than Klaus’ design.

Now, Five was no artist. It was evident that he did not particularly care for the arts themselves as much as Vanya or Klaus did, always having leaned more towards math. 

Science though, is more of an art than a science. And in turn, art is more of a science than an art. So using this ideology, Five took a scientific approach to the whole thing.

With precision, he took the colors they had, occasionally grabbing the various eyeliner colors as well, and painted on an absolute masterpiece. 

Klaus watched on with something in between awe and horror on his face. Noticing his reaction in addition to Five’s evil grin as he worked, Allison began to look around nervously.

“Remember, girl’s day is about making each other feel _good_ about themselves-” She began before Five aggressively shushed her.

“Do not speak or you’ll mess up your cheek. And trust me, I am making thee absolutely a beauty.”

The other brother let out a huff of disbelief at that, as Allison raised her eyebrows at the rare compliment.

“ _This_ is what you see as beautiful?”

Five frowned, turning away from his masterpiece momentarily.

“It’s magnificent, you must relent. Do you truly not see the artistry? It’s my best work yet but you needlessly fret.”

Klaus still looked on with doubt, but made no more arguments. 

By the time Five was done with Allison’s face, Vanya had come home and stood watching in the doorway.

Five stepped back and surveyed his work, nodding in satisfaction. He then turned to Vanya and gestured to the face as if to show off his art. Vanya’s eyes widened as they looked at Allison’s face.

“Oh wow Five that's… It’s not really her style but that’s really cool.”

Allison looked a little more calmed down by Vanya’s reaction, although still her brow furrowed as she wondered what the hell Five had done to her face. 

The time traveler had done an off design that resembled something more like Halloween makeup than anything else. He somehow made Allison’s lips into an illusion of sorts. He made it look as if her mouth was much wider and full of long sharp teeth.The horrifying smile looked completely out of place on her. There were even some added blood effects to really sell the image of 'monster.'

Everyone stared at her face in silence for a second before she uncomfortably cleared her throat and broke their trance.

“So! Vanya, what’s up? Did you change your mind about girl’s day?”

At this Vanya shuffled a little, coming into the room to sit down next to Five on the bed.

“I was looking for Five. Didn’t realize girl’s day was his kinda thing seeing as he’s, you know, not a girl,” Their eyes flickered to the boy briefly, then switched back to Allison, “It must’ve taken something crazy to convince him to join in.”

“Something like that,” She smiled, prompting Five to explain, “Five?”

The old man sighed deeply.

“I’ve been rumored to rhyme as a crime for taking what’s mine; her spot in the climb to the top of the line. In the first position of this prank competition.”

Vanya slowly blinked once he finished.

Their face didn’t ‘light up’ persay, but they certainly didn’t look at all sympathetic to his plight. Being one of the smarter siblings, they put the rest together.

“So to get rid of the rumor-”

“I must stay for girl’s day.”

The musician let out a low whistle at that. They then looked at the other siblings.

“I guess girl’s day isn’t just for girls then, huh?”

Out of everything, Five was slightly insulted that _that’s_ what they took away from all this. He was being ruthlessly tortured, and Vanya was caught up on semantics.

“It’s never been girls only! Girl’s day is a state of mind. You could join us if you want.” Klaus finally put in his own thoughts, winking at Vanya. 

“Oh I wouldn’t want to intrude,” The shy child still came out of Vanya sometimes, despite all of their progress in including them.

“Nonsense!” Five interrupted before either sibling could even consider saying no (they wouldn’t), “Join our correspondence. I need a friend for this performance.”

Klaus made a sound of betrayal, “Are you saying I’m not your friend?!”

But he went ignored as they acclimated the newest member of girl’s day into the makeover. Vanya didn’t want anything on their face either, much like Five, but was happy to just sit and be with them as they continued.

Klaus’ makeup was easier than Allisons, as Five knew he could design just about anything on his brother and he wouldn’t get upset. Sure, he’d jokingly moan and groan, but nothing beyond that.

Allison made quick work of his lips, not really needing to add all that much. Certainly not as much as Five put on. 

Somehow she did identical hearts on his cheeks that he had done on hers without either of them telling the other. Perhaps the two had a telepathic connection.

When it came to Five’s turn he let out all of his frustrations on poor Klaus’ eyes and forehead.

All across the upper half of his face were equations. Enough to rival Five’s bedroom walls in their abundance. 

The only actual makeup he had really done was giving one eyelid rainbow eyeshadow.

He could only handle the one, it had already taken too much out of him.

Unlike the lipstick, there were a million different brushes and powders and other junk and Five had no idea what purpose they all served. 

He’d slowly moved his hand over materials, picking them up based on whether his sibling’s would wince as he hovered over it or sigh in relief. 

Way more effort than he wanted for just rainbow colors on his right eyelid, so he simply ignored the left one.

With both makeovers finished, his siblings both got up and went to the bathroom to check the mirrors, leaving Vanya and himself in Allison’s room. 

They sat in comfortable silence but he could tell that Vanya had something they wanted to talk about with the way they were twiddling their fingers. 

Since ending the apocalypse, Five had been trying harder to communicate with his family. 

Thanks to the family therapist, he’d also gotten into the practice of actually _talking_ about his feelings, along with the rest of his siblings.

Never one to patiently wait, Five brought it up first.

“What’s up?”

Vanya startled out of their overthinking, looking at the other. They huffed fondly, shaking their head. For a moment it seemed they wouldn’t answer, but then Vanya opened their mouth.

“I just uh… You know that you’re my favorite person, right?”

Five blushed. 

He did not know that. 

He should have, based off of their entire childhood. Five and Vanya were best friends growing up. He loved all his siblings but Vanya was… special.

More than special. 

_Extraordinary_. 

Instead of responding, the boy just nodded jerkily. Despite being a very prideful man, he couldn't remember ever receiving praise or compliments from his family. 

Unless ‘evil genius’ or 'little psychopath' counted.

“Well,” Vanya continued, “I’m just trying to say that I trust you. A lot. And… I want to have your support.”

He frowned, “Vanya I’ll always be on your side. I’m your ride or die.”

The violinist let out a snort of laughter at this, posture relaxing.

“I wasn’t finished but good to know. What I’m _trying_ to say is: your acceptance matters to me a lot. And I don’t- I mean I’m not waiting for your approval or anything I just- I care about what you think of me. And I need you to-”

Five interrupted them before they could stumble through anymore words.

“Vanya, just say what you need to say. My support for you will never sway.”

“I…” They closed their eyes, “I’m trans. Transgender, that is. Uh, and I want you to use he/they pronouns for me from now on. And, you know, refer to me as a man, and all that.”

It was quiet for a moment, Vanya holding their breath as Five processed the words. 

To be quite honest, he wasn’t really surprised by this information, but he wasn’t going to say that to Vanya. 

While not truly being able to understand where they were coming from, Five could still recognize that it took a lot of courage for them to come out to him. He'd seen enough over the years to know how terrifying it could be. His chest swelled with pride.

“Okay.”

He didn’t quite know what to say. Vanya looked just as bewildered at his response as he was, but that confusion was better than the tense fear that they’d been exhibiting seconds before.

“... Okay?” Vanya prompted.

“Yeah, of course,” Five searched for the right words, “Do you want your name to stay the same? I don’t know much about trans issues and such, but I can brush up.”

Vanya took a deep breath and then, to Five’s horror, began blinking back tears. With shiny eyes, they gave him a watery smile.

“Yeah, I still want to be Vanya. I, uh… This is all still new to me as well, but Vanya is a gender neutral name in Russian, so I don’t plan on changing it.”

Everything in him was telling the boy to hug his new brother, but the thought of touch also made his stomach curl in on itself. He settled for the less contactual approach of holding their hand. 

Vanya twitched as his hand rested atop theirs.

“We can glean more as a team and look further into what this means.”

The two exchanged genuine smiles, Vanya still slightly teary-eyed. 

Before anything more could be said, Allison and Klaus reentered the room, shouting.

“Five what did you _do_ to my face?!”

“I look like a chalkboard! Ally, you should’ve done my eyes instead. I wouldn’t mind having those horrifying Halloween lips as much as these scribbles,” Klaus moaned in despair, “At least you gave me gay representation.” 

He blearily pointed towards his one rainbow eye while Allison dashed for the makeup wipes. She immediately began smudging off the creepy smile.

“Hey! My art!” Five jumped off the bed, spouting angry rhymes and chasing Allison around the room as she furiously wiped her lips.

Meanwhile, Klaus caught Vanya’s eye and gave them a questioning look. The younger sibling responded with a nod, smiling brightly at him. 

Thus, Vanya joined girl’s day, which Five argued that they change to self care day, leaving unsaid that only one of the four was actually a girl. 

Allison relented without asking too many questions, just happy to have another sibling join in.

Despite his situation, Five felt more equipped to handle the rest of the day with Vanya by his side. 

And he had a feeling that they felt the same way.

-

They were reaching the end of the day, having spent another couple hours catching Vanya up. Forgoing the makeovers, Number Three still thrust the bath luxuries into their hands and gave them a chance to relax as the rest set up the final activity of the day.

The three trudged upstairs to the attic and began moving furniture, Five being tasked with flooding the room with as many pillows and blankets as he could find. 

Once the pillow fort was constructed, one of the old tv’s was pushed up against the wall. Klaus ran back downstairs in search of all the dvd’s in the house, while Allison and Five prepared all the snacks that they’d bought, bringing the bounty into the attic as well. 

By the time everything was set up, Vanya had finished their own bath and joined them in the fort wearing much less uniform pajamas than what Five had on.

Allison immediately dove into the treats as Klaus picked out their first movie. Vanya and Five simply settled back in the cushions and watched their siblings with equally fond smiles.

Klaus finally popped in some random romantic comedy movie that Five didn’t recognize and fell back. As the intro began, he allowed himself to actually try the different snacks he’d picked out. 

He kept letting out surprised little squeaks when he ate something he liked. They were so quiet, he didn’t even realize he was doing it.

The others said nothing but shared a satisfied smile between each other as the boy stuffed his face.

So caught up in the euphoria of strawberries with whipped cream, the time traveler didn’t even notice when the movie ended. Only when Klaus got up to put in another did he snap back to his surroundings.

“Is this finally it? From this curse, can I split? Are we done with this shit?”

He impatiently turned towards Allison, as she checked the time on her phone. She pretended to think about it just to annoy him before sighing dramatically and giving in.

“Fine, you little troll.  _ I renounce my rumor. _ ” 

He wasn’t sure if it was a special phrase or if she just magically released her hold on the rumor, but it didn't matter when Five could feel it leave his body. It was like the phlegm stuck in the back of his throat was finally dislodged. 

“Fucking finally. You better sleep with one eye open from now on because I will have my revenge.” Five glared at her.

His sister snorted and rolled her eyes, “Okay Five.”

“I’m serious! It’ll come when you least expect it, and you’ll regret ever even thinking of messing with me.”

Sometime in the bickering, Klaus had begun the next movie and plopped back down in his spot. He shushed them aggressively as it began to play. 

Ignoring him, Vanya turned to their brother.

“Are you gonna leave now that you’re not forced to stay here?” 

Five hesitated, looking into his newly-out little brother’s big eyes. They weren’t necessarily pleading, but they were resigned in a way that stirred Five’s insides with guilt.

He was never really good at saying no to Vanya.

“Well,” He began flippantly, “I’m already here. We might as well finish the food before I ditch you guys.”

Klaus cheered at that and his other two just grinned at him as he settled back down in his spot next to Vanya. Allison’s pleased smirk almost made him change his mind, but it was worth it for the joy on Vanya’s face.

At some point during the second movie, Luther had lumbered his way up, saying he smelled the food. The big oaf joined them, sitting down to have some cake and never getting back up. 

Later still, Diego shuffled in, raising his eyebrows as his family lay half awake watching a third movie. He made no comment, grabbing the chips and salsa as he too sat down with them.

And one by one, they started to drift off. Bellies full and cushioned by the pillow fort, eyes began drooping and breathing slowed.

Five looked around at his siblings as the fourth movie played quietly in the background. 

Allison and Klaus had fallen asleep leaning on either side of Luther, who was snoring with his head leaned straight back.

Diego seemed to be sleeping but every few seconds his hands would go reach for more food until steadily, he too slumped over. 

Vanya’s head rested on Five shoulder as they curled up into a ball on his side. While normally he would be shivering at the contact, Vanya’s warm presence only reminded him that they were alive. 

Alive and safe and feeling something along the lines of happy.

Also, he’d be damned to hell if he woke Vanya up from their slumber.

He loved this stupid family so much.

Although he’d never admit it, today hadn’t been the worst day. There were even times where he had _fun_ hanging out with his incompetent siblings. 

He was glad that it was over and would rather swallow a chainsaw than be rumored or blackmailed again, but it wasn’t the nightmarish day he thought it would be.

As Five finally let himself begin to drift off, a small, content, smile settled on his face. 

He really did love his stupid, manipulative, caring family. 

More than they would ever know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well thats the end of this terrible entirely self indulgent fanfiction that had no purpose. can u tell that i have never in my life done any of these pampering girly things? i had no idea what i was talking about with the nails and the facemasks and the makeup. if it felt rushed thats because it was this was meant to only be one chapter smh.

**Author's Note:**

> okay this fic is entirely self indulgent and really just made for me. i was falling asleep one night when my brain was like 'heh, wouldn't it be funny if five talked like a magic troll or somethin lol' and I decided I had to write it to get it out. i am fully aware it's stupid and makes absolutely no sense with the umbrella academy's usual vibe. NEXT CHAPTER: the preparation is over and the self care begins. also vanya comes out to his family.


End file.
